By Choice

March 30th through May 18th, 2013

Just a few weeks after my workshop with Amber Bonnici I decided to buy a new canvas and try painting again!

This time on my own,
remembering to breathe, to trust and to leave the critic outside the room 🙂

Canvas and paintings arrived in the mail and my trip to Bali is in a few days

I put it all in my suitcase
Exciting and scary
What about if I can’t do it, if I’m just not good without one on one guidance?
is it worth it to take this big suitcase?
What about if I get too scared to even start?

I emailed Amber from Bali “can you give some sort of guideline”?
She immediately replied with so much love and support

I start
and the painting looks weird and ugly at the beginning
but the vision is here, in my mind, in my heart so I keep going

I’ve been having these dreams where I’m able to “to know” I’m dreaming
and I’m able to “go in and out” of these different dimensions
“in and out” BY MY OWN CHOICE

and I wake up
I wake up curious
what is this is all about?

I don’t really tie it all up with the painting but it later shows up

There She is
surrounded by green
and her dream world of many dimensions come alive through a temple.

There is a snake somewhere in the vision, not sure where it would go, maybe around her neck? I’m not sure but I know there is a snake

Ferns call me, they want to participate so I grab them and play with them, covering them up with a deep green, the kind they never dream of wearing

The temple has a path
a path that later became the snake
it was there, all the time,
and it was so joyous to discover it, to not force it or try it to make it up but to discover it

The snake goes inside the temple
and suddenly the masculine and feminine comes alive

Her heart is blossoming like the beautiful Bali lotus flowers
glowing and glistening from the inside

Her dress is that of a warrior,
the kind of warrior that fought sacred battles to become whole

Her dress is deep red like the moon cycle blood
the embracing of the feminine
the blood that runs through her veins
deep, rooted, grounded, knowing

“She witnesses her ability to step into the dimensions of her own sexual healing”
~ BY CHOICE ~

The temple is her vagina
a temple that has been locked for a long time
feeling pleasure when she was being abused as a child carried a lot of guilt

Pleasure is taboo
and she discovers that today
Pleasure was something that was not ok to feel
it was shameful

She knows her temple is sacred
It has many layers and it’s orange and red
and guided by the moon, the center piece in all
and guided by the sun, the guiding force, the new beginning

Suddenly the masculine is not only the path and the snake
it wants to come from her heart,
the sacred masculine within starts rising
that which has always been something to be ashamed of too

The masculine side that had to step up in order to survive
that which helped her, at a young age, to work, make money and feed the family
that which had to step up in order to define boundaries and speak her truth
and stop the abuse and leave the house

This painting is healing to me
This painting have emerged from deep within
This painting I LOVE

BY CHOICE

——————

I am whole

Healing this wound
Might take a lifetime

Healing this wound
Feeling the holes

My human Mother gives no sign she’s listening
No sign of understanding or compassion
Why keep looking for answers there?

She can only give what she can give

She can only give what she can give

She asked
I give an answer
but she is not ready for it
avoiding, pretending is the way she handles it

Years have passed by
Why does memories keep coming?
Is this suffering part of my Karma?
I’m not as everybody else

Wounded intimacy
I wish I could be normal
Dan asked me to affirm
“I am whole, I am pure”

Tears and exasperation is present
I don’t feel whole or pure
I can’t say those things

(pause)

I am whole
I am pure
I choose to be pure now

I am whole

I am whole
Even with my holes

I am pure
Even with my guilt

Even with my guilt
I am whole

2 comments

  1. Dear Maria…We have met only twice. I guess you will remember me? I am Michael’s wife. I came across your blog after seeing the link on Facebook being sent from one friend to another. First, I only saw your road trip accounting and photos…Such gorgeous photos…and I thought and told Michael that ‘Maria is an excellent photographer.” I also felt great joy to see you both on such a lovely journey. Then, I read your poems and came to the paintings. Your truths are precious…and inspiring. Just wanted to tell you so, and wish you both continued joy along your way ~ Aloha, Gina

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